When you’re young you dream of so many things. I’m convinced that some part of your soul is attached to them.
I dreamed of going to this certain school and being strong enough to deal with life in a certain way. At some point my dreams controlled me where if i didn’t achieve them in that picture perfect way I had in my mind - it wasn’t good enough.
This realisation came slowly and in waves. It was painful and strangely cathartic.
I think there were two defining moments in my life that made me feel like my world was crumbling down and were in fact the key to the person i am now.
1. My "perfect" partner
When I was sixteen I made a list of everything I wanted in my future boyfriend. I was a little naive so in hindsight none of them were really qualities of a good long-term partner. Yet as if i had commanded it myself ,a couple months later , I started speaking to this guy who had almost every quality on the list. I thought I was some manifestation genius at this point. We never got together but I thought he would be a good friend. He helped me out in a lot of ways which I’m very grateful for but , honestly, he made me feel lonely. All we had were shared interests and no shared values. It was awful to lose every little bit of respect I had for someone who I genuinely used to look up to. Every time he hurt me or dismissed me I was so empathetic. I understood that everyone has their reasons and underneath it all he must be a great person. After all he was my list.
In the end, I’ve learnt if things don’t work out burn your ideals, rip up the list and cut them off. You’ll never find happiness if your mind is imprisoned in fiction. Being around him taught me how to implement boundaries, acceptance and ,most importantly, gave a stronger grounding in my own identity. I’m more confident and comfortable in my own skin that I have ever been.
2. my dream school
I was rejected by my dream school. I cried and questioned myself. I had spent years associating my academic achievement with my worth. It felt like I just wasn’t good enough. Overtime,I realised that the best for everyone might not be the best for me. My path is unique and it doesn’t need to be the most prestigious to have value. If I’m happy and fulfilled then it doesn’t require explanation.
Your fate and your journey there is something unpredictable and that’s what makes it so beautiful.
